Le ramble of le feelings and new beginnings

Ah, so the school year is over.... Huzzah!! For some reason that makes me feel like blogging. I have yet to post my mostly-written blog about the linguistics conferene, but I'd still rather just post a random blog about life. It's hard for me to talk about feelings. There is such a chaotic conglomeration of colors and sounds that make up my feelings most the time that to describe them is a hopeless waste of time.. I'm sure you (le reader) understand. we are, after all, human :P Which makes me wonder. If we humans are made in God's image, doesn't that mean that God may oftentimes feel conflicts in his emotions too? I don't know. I'm no theologian, though there seems to be some evidence for this in Isaiah, and Hosea, and other books. Which this just makes me love God even more. I think it's funny how sometimes we attribute God with the emotional range of a teaspoon (thank you Hermione), when he's the one that emotion and feeling came from. God changes his mind too. But anywho. Back to my first idea. It feels like right now is a new beginning. School is over and I'm super excited to start working, writing again (that's a WHOLE 'nother story, no pun intended), reading, and spending time with my family and friends.. Things are changing so quickly, and sometimes it seems as if I am a bystander on the bank of a mountain river, swollen to bursting with the melting frost coming down the mountains. But this is entirely untrue. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is that I am a person flowing down the river, with the trees and the rocks and the snow and ice melting so quickly, draining into the river, creating a new torrent that will flow somewhere new. I know, I know, I'm using all these metaphors... I've met a few people who think metaphors and similes are rather silly-- after all, why not just go to the heart of things, to the bones of what you are trying to say? Well, It may be just me, but I think better in pictures. There is so much more depth to describing a raging mountain stream, ice-cold and flowing down to give new life (however distant, down to the valley floor it may be), than just saying "I've got a feeling new things are coming. Yup. It'll be crazy, crazy good, and crazy bad." Which is an entirely good way of talking... But it does leave something to be visually desired. But! In honor of straight-talk, I will end with this. I need to go finish the dishes, finish my college applications, and I'm feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing. And oh, I want to get a book of Nietzsche's so I can see what the "tortured genius" is all about. Yeap. Have a lovely day :)

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Does a quail wonder why it does not have stronger wings, or fierce claws to protect its young from coyotes? Does a rabbit wonder why it has only a sensitive nose and strong legs to flee with, instead of a rippling couture full of spines and teeth to retaliate against the hawk? Does a fly wonder why it is swatted at, smashed, sprayed, and hated only for wanting to sustain itself? Does a cactus wonder why it does not have legs or swift wings to walk, to move, to fly with like the birds who rest in its shadow? Does a chair wonder why it does not have joints and sinew and the will to move about freely like those who temporarily share its confines and curvature? Why does a human wonder, then?

Duty and Desire

I've been reading a book called "The Journey of Desire" (By John Eldridge) off and on for about the last year or so. It's a good book. In this book, John Eldridge talks about how much Desire should have a place in our lives as humans, relational beings, and as Followers of Christ. He quotes Augustine, and this pretty much sums up the gist of what I am trying to say, and what I struggle with: "Give me a man in love: he knows what I mean. Give me one who yearns, give me one who is hungry; give me one who is far away in this desert, who is thirsty and sighs for the spring of the Eternal country. Give me that sort of man: he knows what I mean. But if I speak to a cold man, he just does not know what I am talking about." 

Because I struggle so much with the pendulum of Duty and Desire. I do a lot of things that I don't want to; I also don't do a lot of things that I don't want to. But do I do a lot of things that I want to? Not really. I'm not talking about things like staying up 'til 1 in the morning, watching episodes of Monk, or eating a whole container of ice cream. Those are indulgences, fleeting desires of the earthly body. I'm talking about the things you're passionate about, that your heart quickens just thinking about; the way you feel when your Love is close by. That kind of desire. You know, I don't think many of us do too many things that we really, truly, want. Why? Because. We've been disappointed in the past; we've been so deeply hurt that months, or even years later, there's a gnawing, poisonous hole still eating outwards into our souls. And believe me (though you certainly won't have to take my word for it), this hole will grab your attention, sooner or later. It's not something you can ignore forever; either you ossify into a man of stone, oozing poison onto all around you, or you collapse into a shivering, slobbering mass of pain. And there's not much I, or anyone, can do about it. Like Johnny Cash so aptly says, "I will make you hurt." We all make each other hurt. We all disappoint each other. There's nothing we can do about it, except hide in our soul-caves, flinching at the thought of chasing after real desires, not those silly things that we say we want. Because I'm afraid that I won't be able to catch that desire; or worse still, it won't be what I thought it was. But that's not the end, is it? "It can't be, it can't be." Because there is one who can heal our gaping holes, ease our woeful disappointments, and-- if we let Him-- breath life back into the embers of Desire. Yeap, I'm talking about Jesus. God. Yahweh. But it takes something. God doesn't take a scrubber to your soul, and scourge all the dirt spots off, and return it to you, shiny and squeaky clean. He wants you to give your soul to him, your heart, your mind-- piece by piece. Do you trust Him to do that? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. The hardest part is trusting Him, trusting Him to not make mincemeat of your desires-- but realizing that God himself gave you these passions, and He created you to pursue them. I pray that you trust Him enough to give him your desires, and when He gives you the go ahead, to pursue them with all you're worth. Because any desire is an empty one if it isn't superseded by the desire to know, and be known, by the God of the universe, by the Maker of our hearts.

Evangelism Is Not a Gift.

Is is a matter of obedience and disobedience, like so many other things in the Christian life.
-Mark Cahill
I suck at talking about my faith.
But when it comes right down to it, that doesn't matter, that shouldn't matter.
Because when the rubber hits the road, we are talking about people's lives. And not their physical lives, but their spiritual ones.
Do you know the one thing that we won't be able to do in Heaven?
We won't be able to witness to people who haven't heard of the all-encompassing love of Christ.
That chance will have been completely spent.
"Witnessing" (the very word) makes me cringe. It makes me think of stuffing things people don't want to hear down their throats, but this is not what witnessing should be.
It should be the passionate portrayal of a passionate God's love for his people, whom he is so passionately seeking.
Nothing boring or "stuffy" in that, don't you think?
Because in the end, it won't matter how many philosophy books we read, or how many dollars we earn, or how many iPhone's we bought.
It will matter how we spent our lives, not our money. How we gave our time, opened our hearts, and spoke our words-- All for the glory of God and the reclamation of His people.
I know that many times people say, "Live out your faith! people will see that, and know your different."
And yes, this is true. But words bring articulation to actions, and so must be supported by them.

This isn't a kid's game. These are people's souls we're talking about here.
So where will you dwell for eternity?
What will God say to you when you meet him face to face?
I pray that I will be able to have the courage to change what I think God would say right now.
Because nowhere does it say that being a Christian is easy. But it is a Blessed way of life.